We can only go as far as our lids limit us. Whenever I imagine filling up a jar with water, I realize that it can only hold so much liquid in it, if we were to close the lid. When we put the jar under running water from the faucet, the water keeps on flowing and overflowing, outside the jar.
Throughout these past months, I have found myself opening a lot of lids in my life, if I may borrow the term used by our church elder and our ninong in his sermon this morning. There are many things I envisioned myself doing since years ago, but never had the courage to. My overthinking self has kept me from doing many things I could actually do well, after all.
Inasmuch as I am grateful for the many opportunities and new ventures I have gotten myself into, as I search my heart this morning, I have one lid that I have yet to let go, one lid that I have to break free from, by God’s grace. This is the lid of comparison. I have been locked in by this lid for many years now.
As a child, having a grade of 90 may either make me happy or grumpy. I’m happy when no one got a 91, but it’s a totally different story if others have higher scores. I won’t really say I am competitive, because when there are games played, I am among those who are apathetic about the result. (Yes, you won’t want to be in the same team with me!) Growing up, I know that I am not as academically gifted as the others, so I work doubly hard, and yet achievements have always been short-lived. I may sound arrogant when I say this, but even with all the medals on my neck, I cannot say that I consider myself successful.
Fast forward to the almost 33-year-old Jen, the lid of comparison has yet to be lifted. Now, I struggle as a teacher, and even as a wife. There are days when I will be so happy because my students learn and I am loved by moms and families. Yet there are days when self-doubt creeps in, because I know that other people are better, or are doing more. And I am tempted to think that maybe I am good, but not good enough. As a wife, I sometimes wonder if I am doing enough. I am not a good cook. I don’t have kids yet. (Don’t tell me it will come, or that it’s okay. I have my own moments with God on this one. It’s a work in progress!) I am not sure if I am good enough. My husband is so patient in affirming me or rebuking me in love, every single time. Praise God for giving me a patient husband! This, I guess, is the poison of the lid of comparison – it plants lies in our hearts, that we are, and will never be good enough, at least in the eyes of some.
On my birth month this year, my faith goal and number one prayer is this – that God will, in His grace, untwist and break this lid of comparison. After all, there is no need for me to look at others and complain to God of what they have. The God who was able to take away the deadly envy in my heart, is sure able to open this lid of comparison that is keeping me from doing more, and being more for God, for my family, and for everyone around.
Instead of thinking that I am a nobody, that I am not good enough, I pray that I will stay focused and faithful in what the Lord has called me to do. Heaven is our home, after all. My strengths and weaknesses are here for a purpose – that I may be God’s instrument to those who need Him. Yes, I am not good enough, but God is a God of more than enough. His grace is sufficient!
As I count down to my birthday, I may not have grand plans, but I will stay, teaching one child at a time, helping one friend at a time, ministering to one mom at a time, and being available for God to plant me where I am needed.
*This blog entry is written as a reflection to the sermon delivered by Elder Christopher Beltran on July 19, 2020 in Jubilee Evangelical Church (JEC). Used with permission. Link to the online sermon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWhcijiflyk
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